Please go about your business like I’m not watching

Nothing is quite as horrifying as pulling your blinds open and finding someone staring back at you. When I do this I always try to have some kind of omelet sandwich to give the person to calm them down. They will usually let me watch them for a few minutes after that until things get weird.

These ads for Burger King’s “eggnourmous” omelet sandwich have been made somewhat famous on the Internets, and the King commercials seem to have an odd staying power.

Burger King should pay people to dress up like the king and sneak up to car windows during bumper-to-bumper traffic. It would be great brand identification because when the driver had the hell scared out of them they would remember the commercial. This will equal profit.

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Click for the :30 BK Ranch spot @1 MB, Quicktime

I’ve been kind of hard on Burger King for their viral marketing attempts so I will make amends by giving them props on their musical ad featuring Darius from Hootie and the Blowfish.

This commercial (with the video link below the still frame) crash-lands squarely in the category of “So Awful it is Good”. Unfortunately it is with all seriousness I say that this is the high point of Mister Hootie’s career.

I do think, however, it is not a coincidence that in one shot a giant fry in the background appears to be rising from a lounging and spread-eagle cowboy’s groin. Now that you know to look for it you should not be able to miss it. I don’t know what they are trying to sell there, but I don’t want any of it.

Click for the :15 BK Ranch spot @500KB MB, Quicktime

If you watch any sort of television you’ve most likely seen this spot a little too much recently, so I’ll give you some alternate :15 edits to take a look at to expand your viewing experience.

In this second spot you can hear totally new lyrics and see totally different shots. Ok one totally different shot. Ok it’s just a guy doing a flip.

There is a bad facet of these spots: long after you realize they are entertaining you’re still seeing them five hundred times a day. And then one day you realize your love of the spot has been twisted to hate. Just like what happened to America’s love for scripted comedy.

Click for the :15 BK Ranch #2 spot @500 KB, Quicktime

This second fifteen-second edit is pretty much an abridged version of the long spot. My interest in these :15 edits is purely academic at this point. I’m not getting all obsessive. I’m not.

It is interesting to note there is an alternate shot of the lounging cowboys in this last edit which hides the french fry dong effect. From heretofore, this shall be referred to as FryDongGate.

This spot remains terrible for all the right reasons. Of the big fast food giants, Burger King lately has had the most creatively funny commercial spots. Their office-scenario spots are usually way above par, and the Hootie spot will be hard to unseat as champion of silliness.

Time to go hit the books. Did I say books? I meant booze.

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