Darrr

Who were all these people trying to make collect calls? History books gloss over this dark period of American history with flowery tales of the Clinton sex-scandal impeachment, but for those who remember the truth we must never forget: collect call commercials were on the air for twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, ten to eleven months out of the year.

For those of you who just can’t get enough Carrot Top, here he is pretending to forget his wallet in a fancy-pants restaurant. The rich irony the writers heaped into this commercial: Carrot Top in real life could not afford to go to a restaurant where they show you the bottle of wine before they serve it to you! Classic.

I can’t believe I’m thinking about sleeping with him

Thanks to Carrot Top and 1-800-COLLECT at least I’ll never run out of material. Here’s another oldie from way back when featuring a wry redhead desperate to entertain the ladies.

As obnoxious as Carrot Top is, this is one of the spots that helps the audience tolerate seeing him on screen by sympathizing with others in the commercial who are sickened by his presence.

Phone hands?? Oh Carrot Top, you’ve done it again.

When Mad TV won’t even hire you

I have graciously chosen t0 spread out the 1-800-COLLECT commercials to avoid causing an unintentional overdose of Carrot Top. In the first spot I posted, we see Carrot Top being smashed into the ground by an angry giant.

In this spot Carrot Top is somewhat unlucky with the ladies. If my memory is correct I am pretty sure the earlier COLLECT spots were more along the lines of this spot, featuring an unloved Carrot Top. Over time Carrot Top became more and more appealing to the hot women in his commercials, leading me to believe he threatened to quit (or maybe just threatened suicide) unless he got some in the script.

Aside from being vintage 1-800-COLLECT, this spot is somewhat rare as it is a full thirty second spot, instead of a fifteen second cut. Because of this you get to see absolutely priceless extra footage of Carrot Top clowning around at the beginning of the video. I say “priceless” in the sense that the price is zero.