Click for the :30 Goodly spot #1 @1 MB, Quicktime

Today’s special is local and regional commercials of a religious nature. From a low to mid budget, there’s something about these productions that are eternally stinky. Let’s begin with a big ol’ cheap one.

With the link to the video below the still frame, this first promo for some kind out healing event features many many many titles. A lot of titles. In this still frame you can see the title urging people to bring the dying. I hope no one takes this literally. That would really ruin the healer’s credibility if he had people dying all over his stage because they were pulled off of their dialysis machines.

My biggest issue here is how the guy pronounces his last name, with heavy emphasis on the last syllable. “Whitting-TON” he says. That is completely uncalled for.

Click for the :30 Goodly spot #2 @1 MB, Quicktime

I admit I have done zero homework on this next spot, save a quick Google search to find their web site. If they are to be trusted, they claim to broadcast their program all over the damn world. I mean darn world. Sorry.

“I love you honey!” “No I love you!” “Well I love you more!” “Well I respect you.” “Well I don’t respect you but I love you more.” “I respect you for not respecting me.” Oh man I need a drink.

I would like some more information about where this woman got her doctorate before I do too much celebrating for her. I bet it was from the School of Really Real Studies at the International Learnography Institute.

Click for the :30 Goodly spot #3 @1 MB, Quicktime

This last spot reminds us why having a script ahead of time makes your promo filming go a whole lot smoother. At some point the man speaking just says “there’s just..a whole lot in the Bible. A big handful.”

We can play along with the woman next to him since she is not permitted to speak. “Welp you’ve screwed this up yet again dummy. When everyone is watching it will be obvious you didn’t write it out ahead of time. I knew you would fail.”

Religious programs and their production values remain oddities in the broadcast world. They are black holes of taste where the laws of nature are completely rewritten, where up is down, where good is bad, where a title maker from 1988 rivals the special effects of LucasFilm. You want to look away but you cannot; it draws you into its madness with inescapable gravity.

Then you end up pulling your eyes out like that guy in Event Horizon and the archeologist from Jurassic Park starts hunting you down for plot reasons that are ambiguous at best.

But perhaps I’ve said too much.

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Click for the :30 Local Chevy spot @1 MB, Quicktime

Today I somberly and with a heavy heart present some spots which misuse special effects. The special effects are ineffective and/or bad.

The first spot (with the video link below the picture) is a local spot for Safeway Chevrolet. Their spots feature a gosh dern talkin’ dog.

Why do car lots refuse to pay good money to an advertising agency? No one making commercials works harder than a local car lot to make exactly the worst commercial possible given their available resources.

What is the point of the talking dog? Is it really faster than shooting the owner or a salesman? Are they hoping locals will show up to the store in search of the six-foot-tall talking dog?

The reason the dog is there is because they could put it there. I doubt the money they spent on him is worth the tradeoff of buying less runs for their ads.

Click for the :15 Extra spot @500 KB, Quicktime

On the national scene, here’s a goddamn talking piece of gum. I take great issue with anthropomorphizing the product that is to be eaten (or masticated, in this case). Why is the gum so determined to be chewed up? Why is he Scottish?

More to the point, what marketing benefit does having an animated character add to the commercial? Ads like this are just filler. They might as well just have the product on a white backdrop sitting silently on screen for thirty seconds.

Consumers are completely unamazed by animated critters anymore. Children are unamazed. Cats..well cats still try to attack them through the TV screen. You stupid cat, it’s not real.

This spot reminds me of an episode of Tales from the Darkside where a bowl of fruit came to life and a woman kept trying to stop herself from eating the fruit. Or they tried to stop her. Whatever, it was really scary.

Click for the :30 Local Lasik spot @1 MB, Quicktime

This last spot gently cushions our impact at rock bottom. As you can see in the still frame, it has, yes that’s right, a totally technically accurate lens flare. The video link is below the picture if you want to watch it in its full motion glory.

The spot is mainly stock footage. It’s not fantastic and the footage is a little dated, but it could be worse. Then WOOSH it does get worse as a lens flare erupts from the model’s eye at the end of the spot.

Only first time Photoshop users and Star Wars poster designers use the lens flare. If you find yourself applying it and you fit into neither of these categories, you are commanded to stop.

I remember when I discovered the lens flare effect in After Effects. Ah, it was magical. But if a rinky dink car dealership can afford a fucking 3D talking damn dog, no one is going to be anywhere near impressed by your silly little lens flare.

In video I think unless you actually need to simulate a lens flare (the effect produced by the sun or other light source moving by the camera) there probably is no excuse to break it out. Usually less is more. At least that’s what I tell the ladies.

I’ll be back in the next exciting adventure of Awful Commercials.

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