Ya’ll got magicians? Hello?

Late-night phone hotlines are such easy targets I barely want to even bother with them on this site. It’s enough trouble just calling them every night. There are some doosies covered here, and this spot is a good addition. Unlike the other regional ads that desperately try to look local, this one definitely seems local, and if it’s not they’ve done a good job making it look that way.

It might just be my imagination, but watching this ad the girl seems somewhat less interested in entertaining anyone. I think perhaps she is being held hostage and doing this spot under duress.

I told you never to come back to my planet

He was on the air last year and now he’s come back for revenge. The screaming immitator wants you to buy mulch. Really really badly.

Sometimes when local advertisements get so bad they do a good job of getting your attention and being memorable. This second installment of “Mulch Madness” does a good job of hitting the nail on the head, even if it can be pretty annoying. And it’s always fun to watch something where it looks like they had a good time shooting it.

Another day, another fatal heart attack

Sometimes when low budget commercials try too hard even the best of intentions can go awry. Here’s a local commercial for a food delivery service that makes an attempt at some kind of concept that mocks mental disorders. Sometimes a cheaply done local spot can work really well like a Saturday Night Live skit. Or sometimes it can not work well at all and look kind of cheap and strung together, like a Mad TV skit. Watch the video to find out which thing happened.

I can’t believe this guy is my geometry teacher

This spot represents to me the Holy Grail of awful commercials. March Madness might be over but this spot will stay in your brain well into your second marriage.

This guy is imitating some famous announcer or something and – Oh my God it’s just horrible! Make it stop!

For shot composition and editing they get some respect from me, which leads me to conclude this was a concerted effort to make something horrible that people would remember from people who know the difference between the good and bad sides of the production force. Being memorable works, but the results can be traumatizing. And once you go dark side, returning can be a difficult, three-episode-long ordeal.

Watch with caution.

Click for the :30 Goodly spot #1 @1 MB, Quicktime

Today’s special is local and regional commercials of a religious nature. From a low to mid budget, there’s something about these productions that are eternally stinky. Let’s begin with a big ol’ cheap one.

With the link to the video below the still frame, this first promo for some kind out healing event features many many many titles. A lot of titles. In this still frame you can see the title urging people to bring the dying. I hope no one takes this literally. That would really ruin the healer’s credibility if he had people dying all over his stage because they were pulled off of their dialysis machines.

My biggest issue here is how the guy pronounces his last name, with heavy emphasis on the last syllable. “Whitting-TON” he says. That is completely uncalled for.

Click for the :30 Goodly spot #2 @1 MB, Quicktime

I admit I have done zero homework on this next spot, save a quick Google search to find their web site. If they are to be trusted, they claim to broadcast their program all over the damn world. I mean darn world. Sorry.

“I love you honey!” “No I love you!” “Well I love you more!” “Well I respect you.” “Well I don’t respect you but I love you more.” “I respect you for not respecting me.” Oh man I need a drink.

I would like some more information about where this woman got her doctorate before I do too much celebrating for her. I bet it was from the School of Really Real Studies at the International Learnography Institute.

Click for the :30 Goodly spot #3 @1 MB, Quicktime

This last spot reminds us why having a script ahead of time makes your promo filming go a whole lot smoother. At some point the man speaking just says “there’s just..a whole lot in the Bible. A big handful.”

We can play along with the woman next to him since she is not permitted to speak. “Welp you’ve screwed this up yet again dummy. When everyone is watching it will be obvious you didn’t write it out ahead of time. I knew you would fail.”

Religious programs and their production values remain oddities in the broadcast world. They are black holes of taste where the laws of nature are completely rewritten, where up is down, where good is bad, where a title maker from 1988 rivals the special effects of LucasFilm. You want to look away but you cannot; it draws you into its madness with inescapable gravity.

Then you end up pulling your eyes out like that guy in Event Horizon and the archeologist from Jurassic Park starts hunting you down for plot reasons that are ambiguous at best.

But perhaps I’ve said too much.