It’s like when Conan O’Brian looks at the camera, but no one is laughing

Oh dear, someone has made a horrible commercial in Cleveland, Ohio.

The richest ore from which awful local commercials are mined is the ore of Low Budget Concept Commercials. Someone has an idea for some kind of narrative to take place, and then bites of more than they can chew production wise. This idea is mined from the rocky vein, and processed by salt-of-the-earth coal miners and sometimes gnomes.

In this spot, a pregnant woman appears to be having a baby. But no, she just has a Mr. Hero craving. OR her bonehead husband has the craving, and the woman is mentally retarded, and forgets she is in labor because she is very excited to get a submarine sandwich. Then the baby falls on the floor of the restaurant as they stand in line giving their orders.

It’s hard to tell which of the above things is happening, because the story is told without audio, so we can hear the awesomeness that is the Mister Hero Theme Song, which wraps a neat ugly bow on this hideous advertising package.

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Wait a minute, male birds don’t lay eggs

Sometimes, ads are so bad you think surely they must be hoaxes, maybe the result of a practical joke gone too far at an ad agency. “Bill, I bet you a hundred dollars I could present the worst ad in the world to the client and they would accept it.”

But then sometimes an ad is so much worse than that you know it cannot be a hoax. It’s the result of serious planning and effort, but from someone who is very sick in the head but who still has the wherewithal to draft and execute a plan,  and you begin to be very afraid. You close your blinds, stay in bed for four days straight, and eat nothing but microwave chicken pot pies and gin.

Well, I mean that’s just what I do. Your personal experiences may vary.

The infamous Eagle Man commercials of the Minor Chicago Area have by now made their way around the YouTube, and you can read more than you ever wanted to know about them on their wikipedia entry.

This spot is one of those magic bullet commercials that do their job by being supremely awful. Everything about it is horrendous, from the voice of the commercial producer digitally slowed down to disguise his identity, to the strange and out of place reaction shot of the women to the hatching egg, and most especially in the disgusting birthing noise the egg makes as it comes out of the male bald eagle’s..

Wait a minute, where does an egg come out of a male bird? Oh. My. God.

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I am classy like this but more in the style of Eazy-E

I’ve holed myself up in the office today trying to finish some layouts for a book I’m working on, so it would take something very special to pull me away from a deadline. This two-minute extravaganza for the Flea Market of Montgomery is exactly special enough to do this. (Thank you brad for bringing this to my attention).

I have a very specific standard for posting very local commercials. On the whole they all tend to look “bad” by national standards, and it’s really just a lack of technical expertise available at the level the commercials are being made. If that was the only standard I picked commercials by the site would just be full of local spots. Also, I don’t want to embarrass any local producers or business people who were genuinely trying to make a funny / good commercial and it’s just not up-to-snuff by national or regional standards. I try to pick spots that are meant to be corny or hilarious, or are just so ridiculous me pointing them out isn’t breaking any news (or hurting any feelings that aren’t already trampled all over).

Words really can’t substitute watching this spot. If you are at work and can’t see the spot right now, it’s a two minute rap pitching the fact that the Montgomery Flea Market is much like a mini mall.

It’s hilarious, but at the same time strangely effective. I am reminded of the simplistic beauty of other local spots such as this one by Hampstead Mulch (North Carolina) or the spots for the (sadly) defunct Red Devil Games of Red Bank, New Jersey. With this spot, it’s bad but endearingly so. I’m sure the business has many comments from customers every day that they have seen the commercial. It’s advertising that gets into your brain, and a quirk of marketing that only seems to be produced at, and effective on, the local level.

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Our center will prove there are not bugs on you

This commercial is really what this site is all about. There’s some terrible acting, inappropriate reactions, funky editing, and the compulsion to continue to look at something that is so poor in quality in seems to defy the existence of a just and righteous creator.

If you start to zone out over this minute-long debacle, you might miss the brief testimonial blurb that really makes the spot worthwhile. Watch for the woman who says “oh man, there’s really something wrong with me”. Was that obviously sarcastic take the best one they had?

It’s a good thing this spot isn’t scratch-and-sniff because, well you know. People under hot lights don’t smell so good.

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Ya’ll got magicians? Hello?

Late-night phone hotlines are such easy targets I barely want to even bother with them on this site. It’s enough trouble just calling them every night. There are some doosies covered here, and this spot is a good addition. Unlike the other regional ads that desperately try to look local, this one definitely seems local, and if it’s not they’ve done a good job making it look that way.

It might just be my imagination, but watching this ad the girl seems somewhat less interested in entertaining anyone. I think perhaps she is being held hostage and doing this spot under duress.

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