Knock knock Who’s there? Yarrrrrrrrrr!

It’s pretty brave to sport a pirate theme for your furniture store commercial in a landlocked state like Indiana. Or is it something other than ‘bravery’ when you put on a billowing parachute shirt and tights?

Pirates, the terrorists of the sixteenth century, have been been stealing from the rich and giving to themselves since the invention of the boat and the burlap sack with a dollar sign on the front. But now for a limited time they are giving back in the form of massive store-wide discounts, and a video recording that will one day be used to declare them non compos mentis by their future inheritants who were forced to appear in it.

I really wish national commercials looked like this, except with slightly higher production values. It would be like the Conan O’Brien show was on 24-7.

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Why would a skunk need a gas mask? It makes no sense.

This local commercial for Stinky Septic takes a normally low-brow topic like septic tank cleaning, and classes it up. It classes the hell out of it.

I’m not sure which I like better, the fact that they did not get a professional to sing their song, or that they didn’t bother to make their ‘bouncing ball’ logo sync up with the word it should be landing on while it’s being sung.

They do have the newest truck in town, so I guess I should lay off them.

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What you are about see see will shock and terrify you

The accessibility of CGI has been bringing a whole new level of cheapness to local television commercials that was once only possible in the dreams of science fiction authors and futurist essay writers. Be it an animated hamburger whose lip sync to the audio is non-existent, a poorly composited dragon placed in a local shoe store’s commercial for some reason, or this obviously fake van rollover for the Sleep Center of the Southwest, all are pointlessly wasting CPU power that could be put to better use by being farmed out to SETI in the search for extraterrestrial life.

My philosophy is in production, if you can’t do something right, or you don’t have enough funding to do something right, everyone will laugh at you.

Upon closer inspection I wonder if this was a home-grown CGI van at all, or if it’s just a clip taken from the video Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

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Don’t worry boss I got this one covered

Boss: ‘Oh no, I completely forgot I was supposed to go to the TV station today to tape our commercial!’

Cashier: ‘Don’t worry boss, they called and we sent Barry down there.’

Boss: ‘Oh dear God no..’

Cashier: ‘Don’t worry, I’m sure he didn’t totally embarrass us.’

Examine this ad closely to try to spot the subtle moment where Barry the assistant manager in fact does totally embarrass his parent corporation and their respective franchises.

This ad is so bad it looks more like a skit from SNL than a local television commercial. Someone pay this man six thousand dollars a year and put him on the writing staff!

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I found her on match dot com

The operator of Harris Pest Control of Detroit makes an interesting decision in this commercial. He decides to dress up as a woman and sing about his services to the tune of the Banana Boat song.

I wish major corporate advertising was like this, and CEOs like Bill Gates just came up with the most brain damaged idea they could think of, and jumped in front of a green screen and made it happen.

Until the world works correctly, we can only see these gems in the local venues, so enjoy this cry for help that took the form of a TV commercial as much as you can.

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