Buy this home or go rot

I really love this spot, thought it’s so perfect I had to doubt it was for a real company. Cullman Liquidation Center does have a website, though my investigative effort ends there. I’m not buying a mobile home just to find out if these guys are for real. I do find it odd that their commercial is so well produced, and their web is so well..something else.. but it does continue to make the case that these people keep it real.

No crazy Gideon not again NOOO

In this commercial for Crazy Gideon’s, Gideon demonstrates that he can be trusted with your valuables, and that he will provide prompt and courteous customer service.

Unlike many pawn shops, which we think this store is (Gideon has been cryptic on the matter), there is no camp or cheapness about the operation. From head to toe, Gideon runs a tight ship, attending to exacting details, such as displaying electronics alphabetically by brand name, and even flashing them with the latest firmware.

Gideon finds his inspiration from an unlikely source: Martha Stewart. ‘It’s obvious they tried to bring her spirit and style to their TV commercial,’ an industry insider said.

Got problems with a restraining order? Shazaaammm!!

The global credit pimp market slipped further towards disaster as yet another credit pimp emerged to fight for an already over crowded market place.

This is by far the funniest take on the pimp theme I’ve seen to date, striking much more of a tongue-in-cheek style than some other local television spots that had a similar idea. The pointless “Shazaaammm!!” shot, along with the Chris Rock style guttural growl when the pimp dealer says “no dollars down!” puts this commercial in a league of its own.

Tasteful. Subtle. Classy. Elegant. The Credit Pimp

A commenter on this article reminded me not to forget about the Credit Pimp of Chicago’s own rival in the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia.

Unlike the old man who just walks the walk, the Credit Pimp of Philly actually uses the ‘p’ word to describe what he will do to your credit. No, he won’t smack it for withholding money from turning tricks, he’ll spend the amount a normal person would put away for a down payment on a house, and instead put it towards 3 flat screen LCD HD TVs in the backseat of your credit, along with a sub woofer that can vibrate the lumps out of mashed potatoes.

At the time we thought he had all the answers

How does ‘Big Daddy’ of Lincoln Car Insurance in Chicago get all the ladies? This commercial for the company explains some of the mystery. The rest, we assume, has something to do with a great and powerful sorcerer.

This is like a masters course in bad commercial making. There are things in here so bad the layman just wouldn’t think of it. ‘When you cut to him, he has joke spring glasses on and a sound effect plays? I never would have thought to do something that stupid! Truly this is the work of a master.’

Oh and let’s not forget that the mock-pimp getup makes him look totally racist. If his rates are as low as he says I guess we can forgive him.

I can’t bear to see Jack Nicholson like this

This awful commercial comes to us today via the Consumerist, featuring a young Linda Soundtrak who no doubt looks like Moses’ mum present day.

These three commercials are from 1986, and have all the production values of an Electric Company skit. Watch for Linda staring towards the camera / director for her cue to sit back up in bed.

I am going as this for Halloween

EIC: is steven richards a wrestler man or something

toby8000: yes

EIC: i need to write some crap for this commercial
is he totally washed up or what
do you love him

toby8000: he’s so-so
kind of an eternal midcard guy

EIC: so like you dont really jerk to him
that’s what you do when you watch wrestling right
i do understand correctly

toby8000: how is this about me

EIC: i was just going to quote you is all
“you can’t even jerk to this guy” -toby
how about that

toby8000: that’s a lie!

EIC: ok ok “i can jerk to this guy!” -toby

toby8000: that’s-

EIC: (publishing)

Never ask me about my car business!

This blank template ad for local Stamford-area Toyota dealerships parodies the Godfather, staring ‘Don CarLoanie’ as the car salesman.

I found this on the YouTube acting reel of Frankie J. Mosca, where there is another local dealership ad. This one isn’t quite as noteworthy for campiness, though the ending begs the question as to whether or not it’s a spoof of this Geico caveman commercial’s classic line: ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’.

Botched surgeries are hilarious

If it weren’t for this one insane doctor, the strip club in Van Nuys wouldn’t have anyone working there at all. And, apparently, he’s their only customer, so they wouldn’t have any income if it weren’t for him either. It’s a business model that cannot fail.

This beautifully done and tasteful commercial raises the chilling possibility of a 21st century ‘superpimp’. Not only does the superpimp manage the girls in this science fiction nightmare scenario, but he medically and genetically creates them as his mind’s eye sees fit.

Besides this shocking revelation, nothing is wrong with this commercial. Everything is fine.

Just another episode of the Cosby Show

When you had advertising as good as Moo and Oink of Chicago did, you didn’t need a produce section. You could just sell various cuts of meat because you had so many customers coming through the doors, you didn’t need to bother yourself with low profit margin items like fruits and vegetables.

This commercial captures a very special but also very specific period of time, as evidenced by the Cosby Show era sweaters in the impromptu electric slide down aisle 5.

I can only wonder what adventures Moo and Oink and still getting into. Ok, my producers are talking to me through my ear piece, they just told me they are both dead.