You cannot protect your weak face from the mighty hammer smack

If anyone is bothering you right now, you really need to check out this commercial. Jhoon Rhee’s self defense class will teach you how to make this stop happening.

‘But how can he?’ you wonder? Ha ha, silly fool..SPINNING LOTUS ‘No please’ Yes ha ha face my spinning lotus also here have some dragon ‘no I do not want any dragon’ YOU WILL TAKE SOME DRAGON ‘NO I DO NOT WANT ANY AMOUNT OF DRAGON’ wa cha! Fists of Knuckle! ‘please no more!’

And that’s just session one. The key to making a bad commercial look good is to put your cute little kids in there, which this spot sneaks in right at the finish line, making everything ok.

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Pictured: Phil Collins

I have to say, I really love this commercial. It’s a very simple concept done well, and the presentation over ninety seconds lets the suspense build to the appropriate level.

When the drum set is revealed you know the instant before it happens that there is about to be an oddly placed drum solo in the middle of this long winding ballad which is actually not about seeing someone drown. But we now know the song is clearly about a gorilla excited beyond words that Cadbury now features a glass and a half of dairy milk in a new chocolate bar. And he expresses this joy by rocking out.

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The last game you will ever play

This video goes from being a Halo retrospective piece to a tongue-in-cheek commentary on the franchise, and the video game industry itself.

In the not-too-distant future, the Halo franchise becomes so popular it is the only form of media produced in the world, and society eventually falls apart as no corpse is left un-humped.

My favorite part of the video is when the Nintendo branch of Microsoft Game Studios tries its hand at a cell-shaded sequel, which fails horribly (and no one will sit through the opening cut scene).

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Let’s take Viagra and jam

First of all, has anyone here tried to play the upright bass after taking Viagra? It’s not possible.

If you haven’t seen this commercial, or an edit of it, it features a band singing about Viagra to the tune of ‘Viva Las Vegas’. This may be the only thing worse than a song you like being co-opted by a TV commercial: a TV commercial covering the song and inserting its brand name into the lyrics.

(Oh there is more…)

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You do not use the sniper rifle on this level lol

Once upon a time guns that actually looked and acted like real firearms were sold willy-nilly to children of all ages. Today I would venture a guess that any kid carrying something like this on the street would get arrested, or possibly drawn into a fire fight with local police.

The moralities of selling guns to children aside, this old commercial from Mattel is a recipe for disaster for any children trying to emulate what they see. Case in point, the gangster ‘hilariously’ falling backwards out of a window into an alley, and safely landing in a garbage can. It was just a simpler time, nobody knew any better. As far as cartoon-watching Americans knew, getting shot with a gun meant you turned ashen and black until you shook it off.

(Oh there is more…)

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