#6: Chrysler / SunCom co-op

I’m not big on top 10 “whatever” lists, and didn’t plan on doing one for the worst commercials of 2006. Until I ran into a few lists that other publications had done. Namely, this list by Slate.com made me cock my head to the side like a confused dog and whimper out a confused grunt. Really Slate, do you really think these are the first ten worst commercials of the year? Or are they just the first ten commercials you found? In fact one of them (the Fudgems one) after viewing I decided must be one of the BEST of 2006. (I did agree with the article on at least one contender.)

I do concede what is good and bad, annoying or not annoying can be subjective. I had to put some thought into what I actually thought would classify as the worst ads of the year, instead of just getting drunk and shooting my mouth off as I normally do. After a lot of drinking and swearing, I narrowed my criteria down to ads that evoke strong, negative reactions way beyond the scope of ads that are generally displeasing or not as funny / artful / clever as they seem to think they are.

The first on my list is a regional ad, so I’m not sure what markets were exposed to this. Regional car dealership ads seem to make up a disproportionate amount of the spots that drive watchers batty. ( I site as precedent The People vs. Carolina Ford, 2006 ). This seems to be a combination of grating content with a staggering amount of placements with little or no variety. When the Taylor Hicks ads were playing, you bet your sweet idol that was the only Ford ad running in your market.

With that in mind, watch this ad by Chrysler and SunCom, and imagine it popping up every five minutes. For added excitement, imagine your cell phone is set to vibrate, or vibrate then ring, and you have a nice subwoofer on your home entertainment center. Every time this spot would come on I would jerk up and look for my cell phone. Then I would become angry. Deeply angry. Angry like fish when you tap on the glass angry. (That’s why there’s a sign at the pet shop telling you not to tap the glass. It makes the fish angry. I asked the pet shop guy once.)

Getting someone’s attention is only part of the mission when you make a commercial. When you enrage someone in the process you have an uphill cilmb to get them to care about your product / message.

#5: Viagra

Next at number 5 is Viarga. These commercials are of that special class that are annoying almost singly because of the product they sell: tampons; Maxi pads; hemorrhoid medicines; toenail fungi pills; Carrot Top. But there’s something extra, almost frivolous about the need to market this drug. Even though it is supposed to be used for real medical problems, you just know deep in your gut Viagra’s use as a recreational drug is widespread. And at some point in life, isn’t it just time to hang up your junk? Maybe your dong not working when you are 75 is like the mysterious gift of the Magi, a strange blessing in disguise.

The content of this commercial also seems to be a tangled mass of improbable events. The man in the commercial isn’t hanging out with his buddies, having a great time, unable to tear himself from the game, he’s just kind of hanging out by himself watching the game. But (oh no!) his totally hot wife wants to do him. Really, man on the couch, really you aren’t sure if you don’t want to fuck your hot wife? I kind of agree with the premise, that a woman in general wants a man’s attention when he is into a video game or TV program, but only in the sense that a cat always wants to flop down on your book when you’re trying to read. It’s not that they want to rip your clothes off, they just want to ruin your fun.

I thought this was a commercial for DVR until the man reaches into a time machine and pulls out a VCR tape to record the program. A VCR tape? What? A real man would just watch the highlights on ESPN anyway.

And finally, is it really going to take him 2 hours to do his wife? More like 2 MINUTES! Am I right ladies? Huh? Right? Oh you all stopped reading after my cat remarks.

#4: Enzyte

Anyway fellas, moving on, number 4 is actually a close tie with number 5. It’s the Enzyte commercials starring Bob. The only thing that breaks the tie is the complete lack of class these ads display, and the icky, greasy feeling you get from watching them.

The nature of these ads themselves also seem misleading to me. I presumed, and I don’t think I’m the only one, that this was the “official” FDA-approved “make your dong bigger” drug like all the emails have been talking about. After gobbling down handfuls of these pills I’ve come to realize that’s not what they do. My understanding is that this drug is for better-quality boners, not for making boners genuinely bigger. (Of course, consult a real medical boner doctor for any advice on boner drugs). Surely it can’t be an accident that this is what they end up suggesting. It just seems wrong..and greasy.

#3: The Simpsons Movie Trailer

I must say first before introducing number three, that I grew up a huge fan of The Simpsons, and am not hostile towards the series. I own all the boxed sets out to date, and have actually listened to the commentary of every episode. And it might be that the show has such a dear place in my small, cruel, black heart that the general cruddiness of The Simpsons Movie (in 2-D) Official Real Movie Trailer (The Official One) hurts me so deeply.

I find movie trailers for comedies tend to be a good dipstick to test the funny levels of the movie. They’ll try to put the funniest moments in the trailer, to make the movie seem like it’s so funny you will die of cardiac arrest watching it. If the trailer itself isn’t funny, usually, maybe not always, but usually, the movie is going to suck greasy dongs.

Sometimes when done right, repeating a joke makes it funnier. Sometimes, like when Homer is hanging onto a wrecking ball and getting hurt, it’s not. And the “rock and a hard place” joke isn’t subtle to me, it seems more like a par of the course visual pun for a local market newspaper’s editorial cartoon.

While I’m sure some critics of The Simpsons seem to be rooting for their downfall, I genuinely am not, and am hoping the movie is good (but am fearful it will not be).

And this has nothing, NOTHING to do with the fact that The Simpsons rejected every single one of my unsoliticed spec scripts.

#2: Hardee’s / Carl’s Jr.

Though the Hardee’s / Carl’s Jr. ads are regional, they are truly a national disgrace. The patently disgusting burger ads, in fact, inspired me to create this site, and still befuddle me to this day. It seems like the best case scenario is that you are not grossed out by them. I think on the whole people dislike hearing other people’s eating noises, and dislike the idea of watching someone eat in a messy fashion. What good could come of this, I beg you, answer me!

This ad is yet another Hardee’s / Carl’s Jr. plopfest featuring someone eating in a disgusting and “oh no is he retarded, how sad” fashion. It’s gross guys, give it up.

#1: Head On

My undisputed pick for the number one worst commercial of the year has to be the original “Head On, apply directly to the forehead, Head On, apply directly to the forehead, Head On, apply directly to the forehead” commercial. I of course could not avoid having talked about this spot earlier. This doesn’t appear to be a clever marketing gimmick, because updated commercials actually apologize to the viewer for how annoying the ads proved to be. When it actually comes to buying airtime to apologize for your awful commercials, you win. You are the worst.

For those unclear as to why this ad is annoying, it’s annoying when someone repeats themselves. For those unclear as to why this ad is annoying, it’s annoying when someone repeats themselves. For those unclear as to why this ad is annoying, it’s annoying when someone repeats themselves.

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