Click for the :30 commercial @1 MB, Quicktime

This weekend it’s a phone sex jamboree! But really what weekend isn’t.

Just by existing, phone sex commercials drain the artistic integrity of all television programming around it, much like Last Call with Carson Daily. The two spots I’ve chosen are a little more hackneyed than the average naughty phone hotline commercial.

This first spot shows what of course hot girls do when guys are not around -they work out and stretch together, wondering what it takes around this town to get some hot guys over!

Ba-ching! Why, the Red Hot Date Line of course! After all, it’s worked before.

It’s sad enough when these commercials try to convince you some hot babe wants to talk dirty to you, but this one really plays into the delusional male-mind fantasy that, yes of course somehow you will end up meeting up with the women you are talking to and then of course much to a lot of sex will take place.

Click for the :30 commercial @1 MB

This second spot is quite embarrassing for me because when I called it I thought I was signing up for a new email service that could help me out with my interactive MAIL. That’s M-A-I-L. That’s the only reason I called. I thought it was for interactive mail. Not “male”.

For late-night TV ads, the hotline / sex chat ads are only slightly less obnoxious than the Girls Gone Wild commercials, but a little more entertaining than, oh I don’t know, Last Call with Carson Daily. Good night and sleep well.

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While you’re down there change my oil

Earlier we talked about the dangers of eating a hamburger while trying to wash your car. Apparently nobody was paying attention during that lecture.

This isn’t really as bad as I hoped it might be. It’s not new territory for Carl’s Jr. / Hardee’s either, as the restaurant chain will down right call you a pansy if you don’t want to pack eight pounds of ground sirloin and cheese into your gut. Oh and an extra side of large curly fries please.

Mm curly fries. Wait where am I? Oh right. My big beef with this commercial (get it? It’s a pun because hamburgers are made of beef!) is that the sexuality presented isn’t ironic or humorous, or otherwise justified by any other artistic motive or convention. The advertising industry insider who called it “pornographic” was right in the respect that this is sexuality for the sake of sexuality. Maybe to make this justified, Paris could have volunteered to work in a church charity car wash and then somehow her clothes are ripped off and then things gets all out of control and sexy. You could have then showed exactly everything that was in the commercial and it would have some kind of intelligent context.

But it could also always be worse. Now go eat a hamburger!

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Hey wait, you no Earl of Sandwich! You trick Og! Og smash!

This is one of those hilariously bad commercials that perhaps my sister might have thought of. Maybe an intern turned it in as a joke and the boss said “Brilliant! I’ll take credit for it!”

Bojangles’, the home of fucking delicious fried chicken and homemade biscuits, has had a few other “cheap” commercials in this vein but have missed the mark a little bit. They weren’t quite bad enough for me to get off my ass and post the spots to the Internet though. The Internet has standards after all.

This is at once awful and a good commercial. Years of scientific research and government dollars have finally paid off for Bojangles’. The world is saved..but for how long?

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Have you ever wanted to be an artist?

I always thought there could be nothing worse than bad actors pretending to give authentic testimonials, until I saw this gem of a commercial. It is one of a few similar spots; this is the only one I’ve managed to get so far.

So what could be worse than bad acting in a testimonial? No acting at all. On the plus side, I really do believe that this man sincerely went through the training programs he claims that he did. Wooden script reading and blank stares completely counters any of the positive qualities of this commercial.

The other spot I’ve seen features a man giving a singularly bad testimonial. I may be forced to destroy it instead of posting it to the Internet when and if I get a copy of it.

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Classy

“Fresh off its campaign using an unborn baby threatening his mother if she continues to eat spicy food, fast-food company Carl’s Jr. will go ahead this week with its Paris Hilton commercial, which has been labeled “pornographic” by one industry source.”

I await this ad and am hoping it will be a rich subject for me to tap.

Carl’s Jr. a.k.a. Hardee’s has had on-again off-again stint with good commercials. This early spot comes to mind from the “off-again” department.

I have a sneaking suspicion this ad might not make it to air, or may only air a few times before it is yanked. Suspense!

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