Pictured Above: Unclaimed children of the Scottish highlands

This thirty-second commercial for Skittles is weird enough to be good and memorable. After watching the spot though I believe to have uncovered a dark secret in the story line that could shake the nation to its very core.

The sheep-boys are part of the ‘blended fruit’ theme of the new Skittles flavors. But what does that mean they are a blend of? Well, a blend of sheep..and..and of..oh dear god, a blend of sheep AND PEOPLE.

How could this have happened? Why is the farmer passive-aggressive in his interest in the sheep boys? It’s almost as if he has an emotional investment in their growth that he is trying to mask with hostility..oh..oh no..the farmer..the sheep boys..THE FARMER FATHERED THE SHEEP BOYS!

But how did one of them turn out black? Looks like some oversexed sheep tasted the rainbow. How will the farmer react upon this new and shocking discovery? Stay tuned to find out.

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‘Savings’? You said the magic word Jambi!

I warned you we would be back for a second installment of the Go Direct saga. Aside from the main woman’s voice being so very obnoxious, this commercial patently creates a false sense of urgency in its offer, violating both the spirit and the law of several FTC regulations.

I’ll be nice and not report them, since they have informed me about how I can save hundreds on my car insurance rates. But watch out guys, I’m keeping an eye on you.

For some reason the think tank behind this campaign wanted to do a bunch of spots were it looks like the Direct car insurance people are doing a telethon. If dying kids with no face or high quality public television programming isn’t going to get me to call in, you people sure don’t have a damn chance in hell.

Be sure to watch the video link often, because the 500th viewer gets two front row tickets to Go Direct Days on Ice and a night out at the Red Lobster.

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Why does mom have a Rentway arrow in the shelf in the closet where she hides our Christmas presents?

At least a company with a giant animated talking dildo should get your attention in their commercials, right?

In this fifteen-second ad for Rentway we see what appears to be a giant talking purple phallus urging us to save more by renting at Rentway. In the end we can see it’s supposed to be an animated arrow.

In the best-case scenario (the scenario where this mascot is not mistaken for a flying penis) an animated talking 3-D arrow is a shitty logo. If they were too lazy to come up with something better they were probably too lazy to check and see if their idea had an uncanny resemblance to a jiggly purple dildo.

This is jiggly purple dildo, signing off.

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I can’t believe this guy is my geometry teacher

This spot represents to me the Holy Grail of awful commercials. March Madness might be over but this spot will stay in your brain well into your second marriage.

This guy is imitating some famous announcer or something and - Oh my God it’s just horrible! Make it stop!

For shot composition and editing they get some respect from me, which leads me to conclude this was a concerted effort to make something horrible that people would remember from people who know the difference between the good and bad sides of the production force. Being memorable works, but the results can be traumatizing. And once you go dark side, returning can be a difficult, three-episode-long ordeal.

Watch with caution.

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He’s smiling because he knows chicks with diarrhea always put out

Sorry about the poor quality copy of this spot. It sort of has that lived-in feel I like.

Some spots no matter how good are bothersome to watch because of the subject matter. And the subject matter of this Imodium spot is Captain Diarrhea.

This spot is actually pretty funny so I’m not really dissing it. I’m dissing the awareness of diarrhea itself. I should be allowed to sit around at home and not think about people with diarrhea or nail fungus or genital herpes in peace. If I want to think about them I’ll go down to the 24-hour gas station and take a gander at the store clerk.

As a footnote I must point out the girl in this spot has stolen many of my own patent-pending dance moves. The lawyers have already sprung into action.

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