Pictured Above: Unclaimed children of the Scottish highlands

This thirty-second commercial for Skittles is weird enough to be good and memorable. After watching the spot though I believe to have uncovered a dark secret in the story line that could shake the nation to its very core.

The sheep-boys are part of the ‘blended fruit’ theme of the new Skittles flavors. But what does that mean they are a blend of? Well, a blend of sheep..and..and of..oh dear god, a blend of sheep AND PEOPLE.

How could this have happened? Why is the farmer passive-aggressive in his interest in the sheep boys? It’s almost as if he has an emotional investment in their growth that he is trying to mask with hostility..oh..oh no..the farmer..the sheep boys..THE FARMER FATHERED THE SHEEP BOYS!

But how did one of them turn out black? Looks like some oversexed sheep tasted the rainbow. How will the farmer react upon this new and shocking discovery? Stay tuned to find out.

Why does mom have a Rentway arrow in the shelf in the closet where she hides our Christmas presents?

At least a company with a giant animated talking dildo should get your attention in their commercials, right?

In this fifteen-second ad for Rentway we see what appears to be a giant talking purple phallus urging us to save more by renting at Rentway. In the end we can see it’s supposed to be an animated arrow.

In the best-case scenario (the scenario where this mascot is not mistaken for a flying penis) an animated talking 3-D arrow is a shitty logo. If they were too lazy to come up with something better they were probably too lazy to check and see if their idea had an uncanny resemblance to a jiggly purple dildo.

This is jiggly purple dildo, signing off.

He’s smiling because he knows chicks with diarrhea always put out

Sorry about the poor quality copy of this spot. It sort of has that lived-in feel I like.

Some spots no matter how good are bothersome to watch because of the subject matter. And the subject matter of this Imodium spot is Captain Diarrhea.

This spot is actually pretty funny so I’m not really dissing it. I’m dissing the awareness of diarrhea itself. I should be allowed to sit around at home and not think about people with diarrhea or nail fungus or genital herpes in peace. If I want to think about them I’ll go down to the 24-hour gas station and take a gander at the store clerk.

As a footnote I must point out the girl in this spot has stolen many of my own patent-pending dance moves. The lawyers have already sprung into action.

Click for the :30 Old Navy spot #1 @1 MB, Quicktime

I don’t know what to make of the Old Navy spots. I sure hope the people in charge are seeing hard data that is telling them that the commercials work. Otherwise they are running the risk of summoning ancient dark forces without increasing their market share. And there is no point in that.

The first spot, with the link under the video, is an older commercial spoofing the Brady Bunch. But instead, they are the “Rugby Bunch”. I’m sure many many research afternoons on the couch downing bloody mary’s were spent to come up with this fantastic premise.

When I think about it, which is every night for two hours before I fall asleep, I don’t think I could make an Old Navy commercial if I tried my entire little heart out. I don’t even know where I would begin. I guess first I would think of the stupidest thing I could think of. Then I’d see if a five-year-old could one-up me. I guess we’d keep going until someone’s nuts got kicked. Then I’d deprive my brain of oxygen for four minutes.

Let’s move on to a more recent spot.

Click for the :30 Old Navy spot #2 @1 MB, Quicktime

As you can see in this second video clip, the Bee Gees have finally sold out. Wait they didn’t sing Fame. Um. That was someone else. Man who was that.

Anyway, I suppose I should give props to Old Navy for staying dedicated to their advertising, despite massive public protests and the birth defects the commercials cause. Their advertising remains as distinctive as Gap commercials; they could easily leave off their company name and it would be mostly apparent who the commercials were for.

But what I don’t respect are the imprisoned masses of brain-damaged children hooked up to electrodes that Old Navy maintains to get their commercial ideas from. There has got to be a more humane way.