Pictured Above: Unclaimed children of the Scottish highlands

This thirty-second commercial for Skittles is weird enough to be good and memorable. After watching the spot though I believe to have uncovered a dark secret in the story line that could shake the nation to its very core.

The sheep-boys are part of the ‘blended fruit’ theme of the new Skittles flavors. But what does that mean they are a blend of? Well, a blend of sheep..and..and of..oh dear god, a blend of sheep AND PEOPLE.

How could this have happened? Why is the farmer passive-aggressive in his interest in the sheep boys? It’s almost as if he has an emotional investment in their growth that he is trying to mask with hostility..oh..oh no..the farmer..the sheep boys..THE FARMER FATHERED THE SHEEP BOYS!

But how did one of them turn out black? Looks like some oversexed sheep tasted the rainbow. How will the farmer react upon this new and shocking discovery? Stay tuned to find out.

Why does mom have a Rentway arrow in the shelf in the closet where she hides our Christmas presents?

At least a company with a giant animated talking dildo should get your attention in their commercials, right?

In this fifteen-second ad for Rentway we see what appears to be a giant talking purple phallus urging us to save more by renting at Rentway. In the end we can see it’s supposed to be an animated arrow.

In the best-case scenario (the scenario where this mascot is not mistaken for a flying penis) an animated talking 3-D arrow is a shitty logo. If they were too lazy to come up with something better they were probably too lazy to check and see if their idea had an uncanny resemblance to a jiggly purple dildo.

This is jiggly purple dildo, signing off.

I can’t believe this guy is my geometry teacher

This spot represents to me the Holy Grail of awful commercials. March Madness might be over but this spot will stay in your brain well into your second marriage.

This guy is imitating some famous announcer or something and – Oh my God it’s just horrible! Make it stop!

For shot composition and editing they get some respect from me, which leads me to conclude this was a concerted effort to make something horrible that people would remember from people who know the difference between the good and bad sides of the production force. Being memorable works, but the results can be traumatizing. And once you go dark side, returning can be a difficult, three-episode-long ordeal.

Watch with caution.

He’s smiling because he knows chicks with diarrhea always put out

Sorry about the poor quality copy of this spot. It sort of has that lived-in feel I like.

Some spots no matter how good are bothersome to watch because of the subject matter. And the subject matter of this Imodium spot is Captain Diarrhea.

This spot is actually pretty funny so I’m not really dissing it. I’m dissing the awareness of diarrhea itself. I should be allowed to sit around at home and not think about people with diarrhea or nail fungus or genital herpes in peace. If I want to think about them I’ll go down to the 24-hour gas station and take a gander at the store clerk.

As a footnote I must point out the girl in this spot has stolen many of my own patent-pending dance moves. The lawyers have already sprung into action.

Click for the :30 Goodly spot #1 @1 MB, Quicktime

Today’s special is local and regional commercials of a religious nature. From a low to mid budget, there’s something about these productions that are eternally stinky. Let’s begin with a big ol’ cheap one.

With the link to the video below the still frame, this first promo for some kind out healing event features many many many titles. A lot of titles. In this still frame you can see the title urging people to bring the dying. I hope no one takes this literally. That would really ruin the healer’s credibility if he had people dying all over his stage because they were pulled off of their dialysis machines.

My biggest issue here is how the guy pronounces his last name, with heavy emphasis on the last syllable. “Whitting-TON” he says. That is completely uncalled for.

Click for the :30 Goodly spot #2 @1 MB, Quicktime

I admit I have done zero homework on this next spot, save a quick Google search to find their web site. If they are to be trusted, they claim to broadcast their program all over the damn world. I mean darn world. Sorry.

“I love you honey!” “No I love you!” “Well I love you more!” “Well I respect you.” “Well I don’t respect you but I love you more.” “I respect you for not respecting me.” Oh man I need a drink.

I would like some more information about where this woman got her doctorate before I do too much celebrating for her. I bet it was from the School of Really Real Studies at the International Learnography Institute.

Click for the :30 Goodly spot #3 @1 MB, Quicktime

This last spot reminds us why having a script ahead of time makes your promo filming go a whole lot smoother. At some point the man speaking just says “there’s just..a whole lot in the Bible. A big handful.”

We can play along with the woman next to him since she is not permitted to speak. “Welp you’ve screwed this up yet again dummy. When everyone is watching it will be obvious you didn’t write it out ahead of time. I knew you would fail.”

Religious programs and their production values remain oddities in the broadcast world. They are black holes of taste where the laws of nature are completely rewritten, where up is down, where good is bad, where a title maker from 1988 rivals the special effects of LucasFilm. You want to look away but you cannot; it draws you into its madness with inescapable gravity.

Then you end up pulling your eyes out like that guy in Event Horizon and the archeologist from Jurassic Park starts hunting you down for plot reasons that are ambiguous at best.

But perhaps I’ve said too much.