I hope she doesn’t see me beating off under the counter.

I am impressed at the amount of completely implausible events that transpire in this fifteen-second commercial for 7up. This commercial fits into the even more implausible theme of the spots 7up has been running. The theme is: “If the food service location you are at does not have 7up, the consumer should revolt and destroy the business”.

We’ve all been there: “I would like a coke.” Waiter: “Is Pepsi ok?” You: “Fuck no Pepsi is not fucking ok!” Waiter: “…” You: “Just kidding. There is no damn difference.”

It’s always ok. Few people care, and if you care I don’t want to hear from you. You’re just the kind of person who would email someone like me to tell me that yes, there is a big difference. I also don’t want to hear about your friend who claims to have never has a drop of Pepsi in his life.

In this spot a girl orders a 7up, and she gets something else. She is not happy at all. Aside from the biggest most obvious flaw, the one where no one gives a damn about the difference between Sprite, Sierra Mist, or 7up, this spot is riddled with hilarious mini-flaws of impossibility. No where, no time, in any place could this exact exchange ever happened, in any possible universe.

I believe you just got “served”.

Let’s go through line by line.

Girl: “I’ll have a 7up please. Guy: “Here ya’ go..”

The guy behind the register has an improper 7up substitute just waiting to go. He doesn’t fill up the cup. And I’m pretty sure they use an empty cup as a prop.

Guy: “..same thing right?”

If he was going to point out that it wasn’t 7up, he wouldn’t do it as he was handing the drink to her. “Here’s you 7up, and oh by the way it’s not 7up at all.” If he was going to mention it at all he’d be like all those waiters who ask you if it’s ok that they have Pepsi and not Coke, or that their hamburger is made of seal and a little bit of alligator instead of cow.

Girl: “This isn’t a 7up.”

No shit it isn’t a 7up! He just told you. On top of that it’s clearly a mystery fluid he had in a cup next to him waiting to hand it randomly out to a customer.

Guy: “That’ll be a dollar.”

Nothing costs exactly one dollar. And if a customer just told you that they didn’t like the wrong drink you gave them he’d probably ask if you wanted something else.

Girl (putting down a penny): “Same thing, right?”

Huh? What? Hey get back here you just stole that Sprite! Security!

What is the guy going to do, call the distributor and tell them they are switching their soft drink contracts? Most food chains have deals about that sort of thing that go all the way up corporate. If a full manager wanted to make this change, he probably couldn’t pull it off, much less this guy making $5.25 an hour. He can’t talk his boss into letting him put out a tip jar, much less switch the food stand from Sprite to 7up.

And if it was an independently owned place, what are the odds they would give a damn if a few customers complained?

7up sincerely urges you to harass minimum wage employees for small problems that are way beyond their power whenever the opportunity presents itself. Thank you, and good day.

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