I hope she doesn’t see me beating off under the counter.

I am impressed at the amount of completely implausible events that transpire in this fifteen-second commercial for 7up. This commercial fits into the even more implausible theme of the spots 7up has been running. The theme is: “If the food service location you are at does not have 7up, the consumer should revolt and destroy the business”.

We’ve all been there: “I would like a coke.” Waiter: “Is Pepsi ok?” You: “Fuck no Pepsi is not fucking ok!” Waiter: “…” You: “Just kidding. There is no damn difference.”

It’s always ok. Few people care, and if you care I don’t want to hear from you. You’re just the kind of person who would email someone like me to tell me that yes, there is a big difference. I also don’t want to hear about your friend who claims to have never has a drop of Pepsi in his life.

In this spot a girl orders a 7up, and she gets something else. She is not happy at all. Aside from the biggest most obvious flaw, the one where no one gives a damn about the difference between Sprite, Sierra Mist, or 7up, this spot is riddled with hilarious mini-flaws of impossibility. No where, no time, in any place could this exact exchange ever happened, in any possible universe.

I believe you just got “served”.

Let’s go through line by line.

Girl: “I’ll have a 7up please. Guy: “Here ya’ go..”

The guy behind the register has an improper 7up substitute just waiting to go. He doesn’t fill up the cup. And I’m pretty sure they use an empty cup as a prop.

Guy: “..same thing right?”

If he was going to point out that it wasn’t 7up, he wouldn’t do it as he was handing the drink to her. “Here’s you 7up, and oh by the way it’s not 7up at all.” If he was going to mention it at all he’d be like all those waiters who ask you if it’s ok that they have Pepsi and not Coke, or that their hamburger is made of seal and a little bit of alligator instead of cow.

Girl: “This isn’t a 7up.”

No shit it isn’t a 7up! He just told you. On top of that it’s clearly a mystery fluid he had in a cup next to him waiting to hand it randomly out to a customer.

Guy: “That’ll be a dollar.”

Nothing costs exactly one dollar. And if a customer just told you that they didn’t like the wrong drink you gave them he’d probably ask if you wanted something else.

Girl (putting down a penny): “Same thing, right?”

Huh? What? Hey get back here you just stole that Sprite! Security!

What is the guy going to do, call the distributor and tell them they are switching their soft drink contracts? Most food chains have deals about that sort of thing that go all the way up corporate. If a full manager wanted to make this change, he probably couldn’t pull it off, much less this guy making $5.25 an hour. He can’t talk his boss into letting him put out a tip jar, much less switch the food stand from Sprite to 7up.

And if it was an independently owned place, what are the odds they would give a damn if a few customers complained?

7up sincerely urges you to harass minimum wage employees for small problems that are way beyond their power whenever the opportunity presents itself. Thank you, and good day.

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Click for the :30 BK Ranch spot @1 MB, Quicktime

I’ve been kind of hard on Burger King for their viral marketing attempts so I will make amends by giving them props on their musical ad featuring Darius from Hootie and the Blowfish.

This commercial (with the video link below the still frame) crash-lands squarely in the category of “So Awful it is Good”. Unfortunately it is with all seriousness I say that this is the high point of Mister Hootie’s career.

I do think, however, it is not a coincidence that in one shot a giant fry in the background appears to be rising from a lounging and spread-eagle cowboy’s groin. Now that you know to look for it you should not be able to miss it. I don’t know what they are trying to sell there, but I don’t want any of it.

Click for the :15 BK Ranch spot @500KB MB, Quicktime

If you watch any sort of television you’ve most likely seen this spot a little too much recently, so I’ll give you some alternate :15 edits to take a look at to expand your viewing experience.

In this second spot you can hear totally new lyrics and see totally different shots. Ok one totally different shot. Ok it’s just a guy doing a flip.

There is a bad facet of these spots: long after you realize they are entertaining you’re still seeing them five hundred times a day. And then one day you realize your love of the spot has been twisted to hate. Just like what happened to America’s love for scripted comedy.

Click for the :15 BK Ranch #2 spot @500 KB, Quicktime

This second fifteen-second edit is pretty much an abridged version of the long spot. My interest in these :15 edits is purely academic at this point. I’m not getting all obsessive. I’m not.

It is interesting to note there is an alternate shot of the lounging cowboys in this last edit which hides the french fry dong effect. From heretofore, this shall be referred to as FryDongGate.

This spot remains terrible for all the right reasons. Of the big fast food giants, Burger King lately has had the most creatively funny commercial spots. Their office-scenario spots are usually way above par, and the Hootie spot will be hard to unseat as champion of silliness.

Time to go hit the books. Did I say books? I meant booze.

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Never try to reason with a giant wild fish

This 15-second quickie is a commercial for Mrs. Paul’s fish sticks. In it a mother and her two children stare aghast at a giant fish.

The spot is silly enough to be funny and get your attention. The over-the-top reacions of the boy and her mother set the right tone for the commercial, allowing the spot to get away with the corny premise.

They could do several variations of this idea and it would still get funnier, unlike so many other ideas that are old and tired the first time you see them.

Way to go Mrs. Paul’s, thank you for keeping the dream alive.

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Click for the :45 Base London spot @1 MB, Quicktime

The theme for this weekend is filthy filthy underwear spots. Most of the spots I’m presenting aren’t that awful, and have become rather effective memes. Where the ads succeed in being catchy, however, they fail in the ever critical “Hey I wonder what company that was for?” department. If you win acclaim but you don’t push the good or brand, you aren’t doing your job. Also I call into question the notion that popularity on the Internet is a sign of an effective advertisement.

This first ad I completely ruin the end of with the still frame. A smoking hot woman ties a sexed up kid to the bed and begins to take off her underwear.

The she straps on a WMD and turns around. He detaches his arms and is cared for by some nice men in a bar or something.

The ad is funny, and chances are you’ve probably seen it already. But what are they selling? What is the name of the company? When the shock value wears off, is this the lingering image you want to leave viewers when they think of your lingerie company?

Click for the 1:30 Provocateur spot @3.5 MB, Quicktime

The next spot is the critically acclaimed ad for Agent Provocateur. Why is it critically acclaimed? Well, instead of having a woman just dance around in lingerie, she dances around in lingerie while a scary old woman laughs at men in the viewing audience getting a boner.

The ad succeeded in being a critical success. But why is the scary old woman in the ad laughing at my boner? I’m not sure if the idea is supposed to be “See, men get aroused by our lingerie even if they see a scary old woman along with it” or the idea is “Hey here’s some sexy lingerie..and now for no reason an old scary woman laughs at your manhood!”

Looking back at this ad through the fog of time, the only thing effective about it is having a hot woman riding a mechanical bull. And again, does the viewer remember who this ad is promoting? This ad did a good job promoting the advertising agency who put it together. The advertiser seems like an after-thought.

Click for the 1:00 MTV Asia spot @2.5 MB, Quicktime

This last spot isn’t really an ad for women’s underwear, but does feature ladies’ undergarment. It’s a bumper for MTV Asia. It has made its rounds through the Internet for being so darn funny and gross.

Aside from being funny, it’s a good illustrative tool when compared to the other two lingerie ads. It, like the two ads, became popular enough for its shock value to be passed around the Internet. Also like the other two spots, it’s pretty much a mini-movie. It’s not going to convince anyone to buy anything. And the MTV Asia spot doesn’t need to. If you saw it on TV it would be because you were already tuned into MTV Asia.

Likewise the appeal of the two lingerie commercials is mainly limited to the watching of the spots, at least for anyone stumbling across them on the Internet.

Just because an ad becomes popular doesn’t mean it is doing its job. The dancing naked Asian man proves this. It was 100% necessary to put him there to prove this point. Otherwise I would have jumped at the chance to not put him in.

I swear.

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Click for the :30 Local Chevy spot @1 MB, Quicktime

Today I somberly and with a heavy heart present some spots which misuse special effects. The special effects are ineffective and/or bad.

The first spot (with the video link below the picture) is a local spot for Safeway Chevrolet. Their spots feature a gosh dern talkin’ dog.

Why do car lots refuse to pay good money to an advertising agency? No one making commercials works harder than a local car lot to make exactly the worst commercial possible given their available resources.

What is the point of the talking dog? Is it really faster than shooting the owner or a salesman? Are they hoping locals will show up to the store in search of the six-foot-tall talking dog?

The reason the dog is there is because they could put it there. I doubt the money they spent on him is worth the tradeoff of buying less runs for their ads.

Click for the :15 Extra spot @500 KB, Quicktime

On the national scene, here’s a goddamn talking piece of gum. I take great issue with anthropomorphizing the product that is to be eaten (or masticated, in this case). Why is the gum so determined to be chewed up? Why is he Scottish?

More to the point, what marketing benefit does having an animated character add to the commercial? Ads like this are just filler. They might as well just have the product on a white backdrop sitting silently on screen for thirty seconds.

Consumers are completely unamazed by animated critters anymore. Children are unamazed. Cats..well cats still try to attack them through the TV screen. You stupid cat, it’s not real.

This spot reminds me of an episode of Tales from the Darkside where a bowl of fruit came to life and a woman kept trying to stop herself from eating the fruit. Or they tried to stop her. Whatever, it was really scary.

Click for the :30 Local Lasik spot @1 MB, Quicktime

This last spot gently cushions our impact at rock bottom. As you can see in the still frame, it has, yes that’s right, a totally technically accurate lens flare. The video link is below the picture if you want to watch it in its full motion glory.

The spot is mainly stock footage. It’s not fantastic and the footage is a little dated, but it could be worse. Then WOOSH it does get worse as a lens flare erupts from the model’s eye at the end of the spot.

Only first time Photoshop users and Star Wars poster designers use the lens flare. If you find yourself applying it and you fit into neither of these categories, you are commanded to stop.

I remember when I discovered the lens flare effect in After Effects. Ah, it was magical. But if a rinky dink car dealership can afford a fucking 3D talking damn dog, no one is going to be anywhere near impressed by your silly little lens flare.

In video I think unless you actually need to simulate a lens flare (the effect produced by the sun or other light source moving by the camera) there probably is no excuse to break it out. Usually less is more. At least that’s what I tell the ladies.

I’ll be back in the next exciting adventure of Awful Commercials.

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